Connor, 3 months

Connor,

You have grown so much since I brought you home from the hospital. You still sleep with mom and dad, really close to mom. You are starting to sleep through the night, except once in awhile you wake me for a snack. I cherish the snuggles, the way you smell, and the sounds you make in your sleep. You officially have brown eyes, your hair color seems dark but when in the sun, I wonder if you are going to have hair like your dads. You sure can babble, and roll over from your belly to your back. You prefer to be held constantly, or allowed to stand. You have big hands and love to point your index finger at me, as if you want to tell me how to mother you. You really interact with your sister in a way that makes me smile. You were such a good boy at the conference in Grand Rapids when you attended with me. You really were a good baby. Even as Christmas parties are starting up, you have been easy going and don't make too much of a fuss. You love to eat and sometimes you make me think you want to eat when really you just dont want to be put down. I cannot imagine my life without you. I feel so lucky to be able to be your mom. I have the most wonderful kids in the world. We started you on cereal, a little early, but I felt in my heart you were ready. You sure eat it up! I look forward to seeing how much more you will change in the next few months, and yet I still get sad when I have to put away some of your clothes that are too small, right now you are wearing 3-6 month clothes. I would love to keep writing to you but you are asking me to feed you! Love mom

Living Life with a princess!

Crazy, my days are so incredibly crazy. Ally goes to school every Tues/Thurs and every other Fri. Well today was her Friday to go to school. Ally was well tired. Initially she woke up with ease, her brother was with me, smiles were present and then as it usually does, it all unravels, the poop hits the fan.

I get Ally her breakfast, wrap her up like a taco (a big kid type swaddle that my husband invented to keep her warm/happy, he even came up with the name, taco!). Pour the cereal, and she refuses to eat it, even though cheerios was what she chose. Oh my God here we go! Here I am, spoon feeding my sweet independent girl her breakfast to ensure she at least eats before school. We wouldn't want the teacher to think she doesn't get fed! Connor is playing on the floor batting at the animals to the overplayed mozart musical. I then go and pick out Ally's clothes. I choose some warm blue pants and a cute cream top, warm and fuzzzy as it is supposed to snow. I start to dress my daughter. And here we go!!!!!!

"I am not wearing that shirt" says the princess, "why not?" says the mom, "it's nice and warm".

"I am not!" So we go to her room and painfully sort through shirts and select something to go with the blue pants she already has on. I notice it has wrinkles once she puts it on, so I remove it and inform her I will put it in the dryer for a few min to take out the wrinkles. This is where the battle really began.

"I LIKE WRINKLES' yells the princess. "You cannot wear this yet, give me 2 min" I go and fix the shirt, bring it to her, it is nice and warm, wrinkle free. Connor is whining to be picked up, we have to leave for the bus in 10 min, and where is Allisyn? Hiding, great. In my mind I am thinking I cannot deal with this today, I am gonna lose it. Well Ally wont come out from under Connors crib, I angriliy wheel it away, and expose my shirtless angry 4 year old. I raise my voice and tell her to listen and get ready. " I WANT MY NANA" yells the princess, I tell her that "Nana cannot help you right now, I am not happy, I don't like yelling at my girl." Well the princess retorts with "NANA MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER" I think she knows how to play the game, why Nana and not Dad?  "I AM NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY, IT IS DARK, I AM TIRED, AND I AM NOT" By some miracle I am able to get her dressed, hair done, teeth brushed and even a hug, Huh. Connor is still whining and we have to go. I see Ally out of the corner of my eye sneaking Cinderella in her backpack. I decide to pretend I dont see it, whatever. I am not having another blow out. I am already feeling guilty about getting angry with her, and I am picking my battles. I wonder. Did I ever give my mom a hard time over what I am wearing to school at 4? I manage to get Ally on the bus, smiling, dressed warm. I managed to make Connor happy shortly after by some feeding and snuggle time. I still wondered... Why did my mom wish I would have a child just like me? Was I as strong willed? I think so. I see I may have two just like me. For sure right now, I feel like a slave, to my kids. I am for sure living with a Princess, her name is Allisyn. I can only do my best to get through the trying moments and hopefully my kids grow and realize how much I really do love them. For now, Ally can be a princess as long as the attitude can be controlled, eventually she too will grow up and hand over her crown to her kids. I will hopefully get to be the nana, and make everything better, just like my mom does!

Allisyn's first school birthday party, stalking Allisyn. getting over myself

Wow, Allisyn is four and as much as I knew this day was coming, its crazy that it is here. Allisyn came home from school with an invitation on Tuesday to a birthday party. Right away I consented for her to go. I want her to have friends, besides it would be an afternoon where she wouldn't hear me say "just a minute I am with your brother" as he is only almost three months old. So I phoned and thats it, we were going. The guilt of saying no also had an influence. This is a milestone, an entrance into having a social life, one that (gulp) doesnt really include Barry and I.

So it's now Saturday and I am telling my husband that I thought about it, the party is at a bowling alley and she is only 4. Were going. There was no way around it. The gifts were already bought and wrapped. Thoughts ran through my head about the washrooms, what if some wierdo was in there? I don't know these parents, they seemed a bit tpt on the phone. Again she is only 4! So we packed up the baby and took her to the party. Did I fail to mention it was a double. Two cousins who happen to be in her class, 2 gifts, a shared birthday? So we get to the bowling alley, and let her attend the party. I tell one of the mothers that we will be at the bar if there is any problems as we didnt see the point in intruding their party but we didnt want to leave either. So I leave my sweet girl to do as girls do. Watched her put on bowling shoes and found the restaurant with Barry and my son.
Well Barry and I sat there watching from a distance over coffee and pizza. I was glad that I made the decision to stay as the people were as I thought, not unkind, but tpt. My daughter had a great time and I had a great time with my husband. We got to talk, good pizza. Did I mention that I am sure it was not great for my diet? Later we got to bowl. Of course I lost I bowled a whopping 48 while he shot around 190. Embarassed of my score? Nope. I figure my 4 year old probably bowled better but I was entertaining for my husband, and he got to beat me! 

Another crazy thing? I have finally got over myself! I stopped packing formula bottles with me for Connor (in case, in case he wants to nurse and complete strangers in public might be uncomfortable). So I nursed Connor in the bowling alley. I had my cover, was discreet, moved to a quiet area in the restaurant away from others but I still did it, I nursed him out. I am so over worrying about other peoples feelings. I have tried to bottle feed Connor in public but it only makes him whiney, miserable and constipated. So forget the feelings of others, what about my son? I am so over myself. A people pleaser! I dislike breastfeeding in public for other peoples feelings, not because I think my breasts are private or special. I just dread people going omg, shes breastfeeding, whatever! Time to put my son first, if people gasp in disgust, well whatever, dont look. I am over myself, maybe strangers need to get over me too!

Newbie Blogger

So I have decided to throw my hat in this whole blogging stuff, and if you know me, well you would be surprised as I am not techy at all. I am doing this to perhaps post my thoughts as I am currently home on mat leave with my two kids and perhaps my deepest thoughts can be boring to my husband day in and out. Perhaps partly too to record my life as it seems to be moving so slow yet so fast?
I am juggling so many roles right now, struggling to find that balance, to have those "aha" moments. I am trying to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, and left sometimes wondering where does me time really fit in? I am currently on weight watchers have been for 6 weeks and for the first time in 10 years I am successful so far, but yet I cant seem to find a half an hour to work out each day, as someone usually needs me. Today, I worked out. Today, I started this blog......New leaf? Aha moment, a balance, dunno!